


Newly Made

by jujubiest



Series: Gotham [1]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-29
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-10 04:42:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5571571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jujubiest/pseuds/jujubiest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barbara Kean has a new perspective. She wouldn't exactly call it fresh, but it's at the very least amusing to consider.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Newly Made

Some people have a habit of wanting what’s bad for them. Barbara never thought of herself as one of those people. Not that she does now…but now she doesn’t think much about herself in general. Intriguing as the mess in her own head is, she’s mesmerized instead by the crystal clarity with which she now views other people. Other people used to be such a mystery to her.

Like Jim. The Jim of her memories is obscured by a fog of ridiculous expectations, wishful thinking, and comforting half-truths. Back then she saw a quintessentially good man, a straight arrow. Bit of a stiff neck, maybe, but dependable. Predictable. The solid, stalwart hero-cop. She could laugh till she choked at the thought of it now.

Jim is no hero. Heroes are about doing what’s right no matter how hard it is, simply because it’s the right thing to do. Heroes are made of light and driven by an ideal. Jim…Jim is darkness driven by pure, righteous fury. He’s a missionary, ready to set fire to the city if it’ll smoke out the sinners and cleanse the ground of their depravity.

And to think that dull boy-scout exterior almost had her fooled into thinking of him as safe, once upon a time. This version of herself has no use for safe. But religious fervor? She can see herself bending that kind of passion to all sorts of interesting purposes. He loved her once, and he’ll love her again. He’ll admit he never stopped, once he sees how much better she is, now that she’s free. Free from her past failures. Free from her parents, their judgment, their nearly palpable embarrassment.

She redecorated the corners of her mind they stained with all their shame, painted over them with a wash of deep, living red, and it felt good. It felt right. Like looking into your soulmate’s eyes for the first time and knowing they’re for you. Like the ogre felt when he looked at her. Like she feels whenever she looks at Jim.

The Ogre. Such a melodramatic nickname. He would always just be Jason to her. If she closes her eyes she can still see his handsome face, his crooked smile and fathomless black eyes. When he’d touched her it felt like being dangled over a precipice in the dark. And when she finally went over, the ocean of tears waiting at the bottom solidified beneath her, held her slight weight above the endless, gibbering darkness, and reflected her life, Jason, and the whole world back to her in new and interesting shapes. Some sad, cold little part of her slid away under the ice and left her feeling…newly made.

Then Jason had stood at her elbow, looking so proud, and given her a gift to celebrate the marriage of their minds. The one thing she had always been afraid to admit she really wanted. And it made her happy. _He_ made her happy, for the short time they had together.

Losing him shocked her into silence, at first, because she still had that same fatal flaw, it seemed: she depended too much on others for her happiness. Jim, Jason, Tabitha, Jerome, Theo, Jim _again_ …one disappointment after the other, heartbreak heaped upon heartbreak, life’s repeated attempts to teach her not to let herself get so wrapped up in another person that her story became _about_ them, but does she learn?

Not really. And maybe, she thinks, she never will. After all, some people really do just have a habit of wanting what’s bad for them.


End file.
